Wednesday, November 28, 2012

praying your tears.

there's a certain kind of inexplicable joy that comes only by way of sowing & investing our tears. the spontaneous praise and outpouring of thanksgiving is inevitable after having endured what seemed to be silence & even rejection from the Lord. as it appears, i so easily forget this but i know it's true b/c of psalm 126: 5-6- 
Those who sow with tears
    will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them.
i've been wrestling with God with a very simple request, on & off, for over a year now. i say simple b/c there's nothing really complex about this small favor. it's not a dire necessity. it's not some magic fix-it-all remedy or time machine to erase & redo the past. i just plainly told God, "it would be really nice if so & so happened." as uncomplicated & unadulterated as my motives were, i still thought it was impossible or at least highly unlikely, maybe even a tad bit selfish. although i can't quite explain or understand it, i believe the HS kept tugging at my heart to keep praying until it happened. throughout my walk with God, He's been teaching me, slowly & painfully, how to let go of offenses and injustices in order to allow Him to be the ultimate judge and redeemer. i think the most difficult part is feeling like it was a waste- all the tears, energy, time & love- just gone. so i find myself oscillating between letting go and pleading relentlessly with the Lord to do something. and although i don't need it, i feel that the result of my request would bring me a step closer to restoration.
it's like when i'm fully convinced that i'm as good as i'll ever be and i genuinely forgive & forget, a random & rude incident will provoke my desperation all over again. even when i thought the worst was just a distant memory, i'm dragged back down to where climbed up from & i realize i'm actually not okay, not even close.
there were countless times when i was so scared that i would never be redeemed or complete healing would evade me. i remember all the times i went running by myself and looked up & rhetorically asked, "it's gonna be so worth it, right, God? it's gonna be so good, right?" i got nothing.
as fearful as i was and regardless of how alone i felt, i was somehow overwhelmed with this crazy faith that it was all going to turn out really, really great. through all the tears that i cried when it was just me and God, i knew that this was just the hard part & it was going to be over soon. glory is coming. it's so like Him to not leave us where we're at & let us be just good enough. He takes our mediocre expectations & small dreams and blows them up to His proportions. is it possible, God, that You're even better than our wild imaginations will dare to believe? 
You're going to take these ashes & make them into something beautiful. right, God?
awaiting Your response...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuW9JzKAdEI

I see heaven invading this place
I see angels praising Your holy name
I sing praises, I sing praises
I give You honor worthy Jesus

I see glory falling in this place
I see hope restored, the healing of all disease
I sing praises, I sing praises
I give You honor worth Jesus

we give You praise and all of the honor
You are our God, the one we live for
we give You praise and all of the glory God

Let Your presence fill this place
let heaven come
Let Your angels be released
let heaven come
We worship at Your feet
let heaven come
Face to face we wanna be
let heaven come

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